BEN_FELDMAN - AUGUST 2011 +

Benjamin Franklin said a man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.

Dec 04 02:47 AM from web

Watching female morning "news" anchors gasp with delight during a food segment is delightfully annoying.

Feb 15 08:56 AM from web

I just gave a generous donation for Breast Awareness.

Jun 28 06:08 AM from web

The Shins make me feel happier than I am.

Sep 29 12:06 AM from web

I wish I was pretty so I could tell it like it is.

Mar 16 10:35 PM from web

Couple with the four kids think they own Gate 82.

Mar 18 08:00 AM from Buffer

"You can't make this stuff up" is an insulting expression.

Mar 24 12:00 PM from Buffer

I can't imagine the satisfaction one must feel after a lifetime of giving a shit about basketball.

Mar 28 08:00 PM from Buffer

I only need four more followers to have four more followers.

Apr 04 08:00 AM from Buffer

I'm so tired I could sleep on a horse.

Apr 06 08:00 AM from Buffer

I haven't showered in hours.

Apr 17 08:00 PM from Buffer

Sneezing is only cute if you are.

Apr 29 02:22 AM from web

I'm such an imperfectionist.

May 06 12:57 AM from web

I always feel like the 2nd wheel.

May 07 11:15 AM from web

Surgery's for pussies, and by pussies I mean people with health care.

May 09 01:02 AM from Twitter for iPhone

I wonder when I'm not going to say the wrong thing again.

May 15 12:56 AM from web

I wrote a joke in my sleep about the song "Yesterday" by the Beatles. It's this one, and she's a subtle gem.

May 23 01:26 AM from web

I need to work "chassis" into a joke and pronounce it wrong.

May 23 11:57 PM from web

Just got your outside joke.

May 23 11:57 PM from web

It's like my grandpa always said, "I'm not your grandpa".

Jul 26 03:00 PM from web